


Seattle

by heartrateofmice (TheThirdTemptationOfParis)



Category: Bandom
Genre: M/M, Not so happy ending, Seattle, seattle lore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:29:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15974252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheThirdTemptationOfParis/pseuds/heartrateofmice
Summary: Ryan and Brendon always find themselves in Seattle.One day we'll settle in Seattle





	1. Seattle, August 30, 2007

I look out the window of my hotel room at the Seattle sunset through the thin sheet of gray clouds. Bleak orange shines back at me. How fitting. I pull back the sheets of the bed and climb into it, my eyes fixed on the world outside. The silence surrounds me and I let it pull me under. Only then do I let myself miss Ryan. 

It’s his birthday. He’s in New York, at Angels and Kings, with _her_. He’s probably out of his mind, enjoying his birthday without me and— there’s a knock at the door. I roll over and look at the clock, it’s just after 11:30, and the other guys aren’t coming in until the next morning. Whoever is at the door knocks again, and I roll out of bed to answer it. When I open the door I expect to see Spencer or Jon, showing up early just for the hell of it, but behind the door I find Ryan. He looks windswept, his hair out of place and a little damp from the slight drizzle outside. He looks slightly manic. 

“Ryan,” I whisper, looking in his eyes, “what the hell are you—“ He cut me off by grasping my face and crashing his lips against mine, pushing me back into the room. I pull back, holding Ryan’s face similar to the way he’s holding mine, “Whoa, hey, hold on. Where’d you come from?” I stroke his cheek as he catches his breath. 

“New York. I had to see you tonight. But just tonight. This is the last night, Bren. For real this time.”

I nod and lean in to kiss him again, but he holds me back, “I mean it, Brendon.”

“I believe you,” I whisper against his lip, “now come here.”

It’s a flurry from there. Teeth, lips, hands, _him_. Half remembered whisperings of, “Sh, don’t say a word. Not that word. Only tonight. Hush, Brendon.” I let him do as he pleases. If this truly is our last night, best to let him have control. When we finally fall onto our backs, he turns to me, running a finger along my cheekbone and jaw, “You’re so fucking gorgeous, you have no idea.”

I squeeze my eyes shut to hold back the tears threatening to fall. What right does he have? To tell me this is our last night, then call me beautiful things? What right does he have? He cups my cheek and runs the tips of his fingers through my hair. 

I hear a shift on the other pillow and feel his breath against my lips as he whispers, “I know. I’m sorry.” I feel him lean in closer, but I roll over and stand up before his lips can make contact. 

“If you’re sorry, why are you leaving? And how dare you, Ryan Ross? What gives you the right to play with my heart like this?” I keep my back turned to him, holding the bridge of my nose, willing myself not to break down. 

He shifts on the bed behind me, sliding to the edge and placing a hand on my hip, “Hey, look at me.” He turns me to face him, but I don’t look in his eyes, “Hey, Bren, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” He reaches up and pulls my hand away from my face, kissing the knuckles. 

“I just don’t understand, Ryan. What we have, it’s good. It’s better than good, I just... I don’t understand.” I let myself collapse and settle on his lap, my legs straddling his. His hands move up my back, running soothingly over my shoulder blades. 

He kisses my shoulder, “It’s just so difficult. The sneaking around, the lying. It’s all so much. And Keltie...”

“Never really meant anything to you. You just made it seem that way. So why leave me and not her?” 

“You know we’d get caught, Bren. One way or another.”

I stand up again, my fury rising, “I don’t care about that! You’re the only one who does!”

He stands up too, looking down at me slightly, “Do you want to ruin what this band is becoming?”

I shake my head, “Of course not! But I don’t see why us being together would ruin that.”

“Because that’s the only thing people would talk about. It wouldn’t be about the music anymore.”

I start moving around the room, pulling my clothes back on, “That’s all you care about, isn’t it? It’s all about the music with you. The image we show to the world. As long as that image doesn’t contrast with what you see in the mirror.”

I don’t realize Ryan had been following me around the room until his hand grasps my forearm, “No, that’s not all I care about. I care about you.”

“Then prove it.”

“I’m trying to but you won’t see it. If this goes south, it would hurt you. I know it would. And you would blame yourself because you put us first. And then where would we be? Bandless and hating each other.” 

I relax my arm, letting his hand fall to mine, entangling our fingers, “That’s not true.”

Ryan laughs without humor, “Yes it is. It’s the only outcome if we go on like this.”

I finally let the tears fall, “Can we just have one more day? Just one? Give us until September.”

He pulls me closer, his hands pressed against the small of my back, “Okay,” he whispers, pressing his forehead against mine, “I’ll take you out for dinner. How’s that sound?”

I nod, my nose brushing against his. He kisses me, slow and sweet, and I will swear until the day I die he whispers ‘I love you’ when he pulls away.


	2. Seattle, October 14, 2008

I found it before the show at the Needle today. A post from February 2006. I guess I saw it when Ryan first posted it, but I can’t quite remember. I guess that’s why it stunned me so much. _Lay like lions in the sand. One day we’ll settle in Seattle_. It’s from before the other one. The one from the night we knew. _Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath… You don’t have to love me. You already did_. They’re both true. So I sneak it into the show. Show my hand, if you will. 

“I want to go where everyone goes. I want to know what everyone knows. I want to go where everyone feels the same.” I look over at Ryan. I can’t help it. He looks so dorky and adorable in his mock Beatles get up. We never really had that ‘one last night.’ It’s been a little over a year this time. It’s been uphill fighting, but we got through it. He smiles at me. My heart soars. 

“I never said I’d leave Seattle. I never said I’d leave this town. A falling out we won’t tiptoe about.” I look to Ryan as he ducks his head, slight red blushing his cheeks. It makes me feel bold as we come up to the next lines, “Everybody gets there and everybody gets their, everybody gets off on Ryan Ross.” I smile coyly and tilt my head. He looks shocked for a fraction of a second, but then he’s doing his best to hide a smile. 

We finish up the show and the small smirk is still on Ryan’s face as we wandered back to the hotel. I bump my shoulder against his and say, “What are you smiling about, Ross?” A smile of my own crosses my face as he tried his best to stifle his even more. 

“You know why I’m smiling, Bren. What was that all about?” he asks as we walk into the hotel, immediately taking the elevator to the floor my room is on. It’s not uncommon now for the two of us to break away from Jon and Spencer. They don’t seem to question it since Ryan and I have always spent a lot of time together. 

When we reach my room and deposit our things, I turn to Ryan, crowding him against the door, “One day we’ll settle in Seattle.” I place my hands on the junction where his neck meets his shoulders and look into his eyes, “Somehow we always find our way back here. What do you make of that?” 

Ryan’s smile falters for a brief second but returns with more intensity, “I would say Seattle is a part of us.”

“I think I would have to agree with you. And I honest to god love this place. We could settle here if we really wanted to.” Ryan’s smile completely disappears this time, his eyes closing, “Ry?”

He shakes his head and looks back at me, “It’s something else entirely.”

“What do you mean?” 

“We always have the time of our life when we’re here. Everything is always so _perfect_ between us when we’re here, but when we leave…” he shakes his head again, thumping his head back against the door.

I run my hand up to his cheeks and try to get him to look at me again, “Sure it’s not always easy, but we get through it. We always do.”

Ryan, stubborn as always, doesn’t look at me, “Ever since our last fight, though, I’m beginning to realize that the world isn’t Seattle, Bren.”

I drop my hands and step back, “And Seattle isn’t the world…” 

“You understand where I’m coming from with that?”

I nod and turn away from him, shrugging off my coat and hanging it up in the closet. I hear Ryan step away from the door, coming to stand behind me, “Come on, Brendon, don’t do this. I’m not saying anything has to come from that revelation, it’s just what I’ve been thinking.”

“So why don’t I believe you?” I turn to face him, my eyes daring him. Ryan’s silence is my only answer, “You see? This is why we have issues! You don’t tell me anything that goes on in your brain. You don’t tell me when you have doubts, so you sit there in them and then let it boil over!”

“No, we have issues because this isn’t a regular relationship, Brendon, it’s an _affair_.”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Ryan Ross. You know as well as I do that it’s so much more than that. So don’t you dare downplay us to that. Why is this always the place where we have our best and worst memories?”

“Because the world isn’t Seattle and Seattle isn’t the world.”

“So what are you saying we do?” I cross my arms in defiance, still staring him down.

He took a deep breath and ran his hands up and down my biceps, “I’m saying the next fight we have when we leave here, let that be the end of it. No more after that. Whether that be in a week, a month, or a year, that’s that.”

I take a shuddering breath and nod as he leans in to kiss me. I let him, just barely reciprocating. When he goes to deepen the kiss, though, I stop him, “Wait. Can we make it three strikes?”

“What do you mean?”

“Three strikes then we’re out. It gives us a fighting chance. That way we might have a little bit more time.” Ryan’s eyes narrow at me, but I press on, “Please, Ryan. Just a little bit more time.”  
“And what if we never reach three strike?” he asks, his intensity matching mine.

“Then we settle in Seattle. Lay like lions in the sand.” 

Ryan ponders it for a moment and then nods, “Okay, three strikes.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” 

I lean forward and kiss him, feeling a little bit of weight fall off my shoulders. I smile against his lips and feel him do the same. Despite all his protestation, he feels the same way I do. We can’t crash and burn as long as that’s true.


	3. Seattle, January 14, 2014

“Be careful if they’re too friendly.”

The last line of the opening, the only one that stuck throughout the last year, just barely uttered before the music starts. It’s rhythmic but synthetic, reminiscent of 80s synth-pop. Steel yourself. Do right by the audience. Don’t lose it. Images of that night float behind my closed eyelids. Seattle. His birthday. He flew from New York just to be with me. No. That was seven years ago. Focus on now.

“Hey. A casual affair that could go anywhere, and only for tonight.” There’s an audience singing back. They don’t know. Not really. His voice. _Just tonight. One last night. Then it’s done._ An agreement. An end date. Fair enough.

“Take any moment, any time. A lover on the left, a sinner on the right.” He always stood to my right. He slept on the right. Everything about him was right. But he had someone else. A sign of the cross. He was the sinner. But God, he looked so beautiful that night. I shake and bang my head to get rid of the visual. 

“Lay in the atmosphere. A casual affair.” _Hush, Brendon. Hush. Don’t you say a word. Not that word. Hush._ “Lay in the atmosphere. A casual affair.” We had dinner. The candles, his eyes. I wanted to hold his hand. Northern Downpour sends its love. 

“Break involuntary ties. A secret so the spies could never find us out.” That was the deal. We stopped. Right then. Nothing. I had other ideas. The crowd knows what comes next, “Stay, for as long as you have time so the mess that we’ll become leaves something to talk about.” I cover my mouth to hold back the sob trying to claw its way out of my throat. 

“Lay in the atmosphere. A casual affair.” _Sh, Bren. Just tonight. Only for tonight_. More head banging. I gotta get his voice out of my head, “Lay in the atmosphere. A casual affair.” I agreed. You had to agree with him. That’s why I let him go that night. But it didn’t last long. 

_I did it. I did it. I did it again_. I turn my back, straighten my shoulders, and curse. _I did it. I did it. I did it again._ We were back in each other’s arms a week later. _We did it again._

I hop up on the monitor and hunch my shoulder, “Lay in the atmosphere. A casual affair.” The audience is still singing back at me. They all have their own interpretations of the lyrics, but if they only knew. My voice cracks outrageously on the last two lines. The cheers of the crowd drown out my voice as I scream. I hope he can hear me now. Northern Downpour sends its love.


End file.
